Searching but not finding

Done. A journey that has taken me two years since I first decided on this path has come to an end. There is momentary joy, relief and pride at being finished. A feeling that I should jump on the tables and do a little happy dance. I DID IT! I AM A TEACHER! I WILL GO FORTH AND CHANGE THE WORLD!

This is short lived. Soon it is replaced by a sense of emptiness. A restlessness that cannot be filled. I wander the house, thinking there must be something I should be doing. A paper to write, a reading to analyze, a lesson plan to research, tests to grade, or study for... something. There is nothing left to do.

I know I need to start applying for jobs, but I wonder "Why Bother?" For anyone not familair with Washington state, there were huge budget cuts in education in the legislature this year. The result of these cuts were RIF(reduction in force) cuts across the state. Even though the federal government economic stimulus has money for education, it won't help the job situation. The money the federal government is giving to the states comes with strings. The money must be used for Title 1 schools and Special Ed. Both of which are great, and need more money, but it doesn't help the cuts in the general education budgets.

No One is hiring. Many first year teachers didn't get their contracts renewed, so they are not counted among the teachers who got RIF notices. Not only are there fewer jobs, but more teachers searching for those same jobs, as teachers whose contracts were not renewed, RIF teachers, and new graduates all vie for same jobs. Add to that, because of hits to peoples 401K's, fewer teachers are retiring.

And thus I procrastinate. I know I should at least try to fill out applications. I know that if I don't apply, I have zero chance of getting hired. I know that they have to have teachers, and that there is always a chance I could get hired. I find it hard to get the energy or desire to fill out applications. I find myself walking the dog, cleaning the house, cleaning out those closets, drawers, cabinets, windows and things that have not been cleaned in ages, all while I should be filling out applications.

Depression is setting in. In talking to my fellow classmates, they are feeling the same way. We are wondering why we spent all this time and money to no avail. We are all starting to freak out a bit. One person gets an interview. All of the rest of us wonder why we weren't called. What did we do wrong? Are we inferior? Are we flawed? Stomach aches, weight gain or loss, nerves, depression, compulsive cleaning, or excessive laying about not doing a thing. We are all a mess. I am a mess.

I am usually such a together person. I see a problem, I figure out a solution, I break it into small parts, and I tackle it. I don't know how to solve this. How do I fix this? It is out of my control. I hate this.

I think of myself fifteen months ago when I started this program. I was so sure I would get a job. I had no doubts. I was confident I would be a great teacher. I knew I would be a success. Now, the economy has kicked me in the gut, and I am down. I don't know how to get myself back up.