You can't say you can't play~

We started reading "You Can't Say You Can't Play" by Vivian Gussin Paley. It is an in depth look at something that happens in playgrounds, classrooms and neighborhoods every day. How do you handle it when one child is excluded, when someone says"you can't play with us". Paley discusses with her class, and then approaches the older classes, the feasibility of making a rule saying "you can't say that you can't play". The kids themselves are torn about how well this would work.

I asked my own kids about their experiences, and how they felt, and if they thought this rule would work. I was suprised at their responses.

My oldest daughter, who is 14, was the one I thought would be the most in favor of a rule like that. I can recall many years of watching her wander alone on the playground, sitting outside of a group of girls who were laughing and talking. It always seemed like she was the odd girl out. The one being told that she couldn't play. I remember both the ache in my heart when I watched her being excluded and her tears she cried when she got excluded. I thought she would be in favor of this rule, but she wasn't. She felt like it would be unfair to make people play with someone they didn't like or thought was too "weird". She didn't think it would be a realistic rule.

My sons -- who are 12, 8 and 6 - I didn't think had ever been excluded. I have never seen them be excluded, and they have never come to me upset about being excluded. I thought perhaps it was a girl thing, and that boys just didn't do those mental games. They always seem more physical, being more apt to get into a tussle rather than the angry, mean words that girls seem to get into. I know -- a stereotype, but it is also my own observation of my kids and their friends. My oldest son, who I would have thought would be in favor of this rule, was the most vocal in his belief it was a "dumb" rule that wouldn't work. He felt like no one would follow it, and didn't think it was a big problem anyway.

My eight year old did think it was a problem, and said it happens alot(which makes my heart hurt for him now). He said that he thought it was a good rule, and that while some people wouldn't follow it, the recess teachers could help remind people of it. He felt like most people would follow it if it was made a rule. He felt you should expand it somehow. He used these examples: the same kids are always it in tag, because they are slowest, or the kids who are the worst at tetherball get short turns, or the kids who are picked last for football because they aren't the best. While they aren't told they can't play, they are made to feel bad because they aren't the best. My older kids pointed out that you can't make everyone the best, that there will always be someone who is slower, or not as good. My 8 year old agreed, and then pointed out that everyone has something they are good at, and sometimes they just need it pointed out to them.

My six year didn't think it was a problem in his kindergarten class. He felt everyone always gets along and plays with everyone all the time. I would like to ask the other kindergarteners in his class if they agree with that assessment. Is it because he hasn't experienced it? Or has his teacher really solved the problem of exclusion in her students? If so I really need to find out how she did it. :)


I can recall my own school days, where I felt excluded. There have even been times as an adult where they may not have said"you can't play", but the feeling of exclusion is still the same. Can a teacher eliminate this? Is it right to? Should you interfere? Is this part of their own self-journey of discovering the power, for good and bad, over other people and their feelings? Over their own feelings and actions? Maybe they must experience it first hand to really understand why it is bad, or can they just be told "don't do this". Will they learn if they are just told that it is bad. I am a big believer in learning through hands on experience, learning through play rather than just book learning, or rote learning. Is this just another example of kids being told - do this, learn this, just because.

I have to admit I am torn. I don't like seeing anyone's feelings being hurt, and I don't like seeing any one being excluded or made to feel bad. I feel like this has happened in the past and has helped lead to racism, religious intolerance, sexual intolerance and other practices that should not be acceptable.

On the other hand if kids are given the opportunity to say no, you can't play with me will that give them the empowerment to stand up for themselves later in life? Will they be able to stand up to bullies, or other predators who come along, or will it make them the bullies?

I think I have come up with more questions than answers. I guess I will see if Paley has come up with any of these questions and has any suggestions or answers as I continue her book.