Back to School Shopping and Dreaming

I have decided I am like a woman who has just found out she is pregnant. I go out and longingly look at school supplies instead of baby clothes. I look at the stickers and pencils, put them in my cart, reasoning that they will be good for any age. No matter if I get a job teaching first or fifth, I can use stickers and pencils.

Then I move onto books. This one looks good. I can envision future students picking up the books, lovingly looking through it, eagerly reading it, wanting the next book by that author or in that series. But like the woman who doesn't know yet whether to buy the blanket in pink or blue, I put it back on the shelf, because I don't know yet what grade I may get.

I look at storage totes, I could buy those for my future classroom, with the plan of putting pencils and scissors and supplies for the students to share. I look at wall posters, and teacher-type decorations. Should I start a theme? What sort of theme will my future classroom have? Like the new mother's dreams of how to decorate the nursery. Again, she wonders, should I wait until I know whether it is a boy or girl, or decorate in green and yellow? Should I wait till I find out how old, or decorate in sealife or rainforest?

What about furniture? Bookshelves are safe --teachers always need bookshelves right? But what if I don't get that class I am dreaming of? What if I wind up subbing for awhile? Do I want to store bookshelves or desks for a future classroom?

So I buy school supplies for my kids, secretly inhaling the smell of new pencils and crayons, buy some safe school supplies for my future classroom and secrete them away in the garage with the rest of my "saving for when I become a teacher" stuff. I resist buying anything tied to a certain age for now.

August Dread

August is here. The most dreaded and anticipated of times for a hopeful teacher who is searching for employment. All my applications are in. Now comes the waiting. Will they call? Will I get an interview? Will I do ok in an interview, or will I bomb it. Am I what they want? What do they want?

My stomach is in knots and I wonder if it would be better to get an interview or not. Would the rejection be worse if I got an interview and didn't get a job, or if I never even got called.

Then I wonder - what happens in September if I don't get hired. Do I sub? Scares me down to my toenails. Makes me tremble in my boots. Does that scare me more than having my own class? I'm not sure. I'll let you know when I decide.

Searching but not finding

Done. A journey that has taken me two years since I first decided on this path has come to an end. There is momentary joy, relief and pride at being finished. A feeling that I should jump on the tables and do a little happy dance. I DID IT! I AM A TEACHER! I WILL GO FORTH AND CHANGE THE WORLD!

This is short lived. Soon it is replaced by a sense of emptiness. A restlessness that cannot be filled. I wander the house, thinking there must be something I should be doing. A paper to write, a reading to analyze, a lesson plan to research, tests to grade, or study for... something. There is nothing left to do.

I know I need to start applying for jobs, but I wonder "Why Bother?" For anyone not familair with Washington state, there were huge budget cuts in education in the legislature this year. The result of these cuts were RIF(reduction in force) cuts across the state. Even though the federal government economic stimulus has money for education, it won't help the job situation. The money the federal government is giving to the states comes with strings. The money must be used for Title 1 schools and Special Ed. Both of which are great, and need more money, but it doesn't help the cuts in the general education budgets.

No One is hiring. Many first year teachers didn't get their contracts renewed, so they are not counted among the teachers who got RIF notices. Not only are there fewer jobs, but more teachers searching for those same jobs, as teachers whose contracts were not renewed, RIF teachers, and new graduates all vie for same jobs. Add to that, because of hits to peoples 401K's, fewer teachers are retiring.

And thus I procrastinate. I know I should at least try to fill out applications. I know that if I don't apply, I have zero chance of getting hired. I know that they have to have teachers, and that there is always a chance I could get hired. I find it hard to get the energy or desire to fill out applications. I find myself walking the dog, cleaning the house, cleaning out those closets, drawers, cabinets, windows and things that have not been cleaned in ages, all while I should be filling out applications.

Depression is setting in. In talking to my fellow classmates, they are feeling the same way. We are wondering why we spent all this time and money to no avail. We are all starting to freak out a bit. One person gets an interview. All of the rest of us wonder why we weren't called. What did we do wrong? Are we inferior? Are we flawed? Stomach aches, weight gain or loss, nerves, depression, compulsive cleaning, or excessive laying about not doing a thing. We are all a mess. I am a mess.

I am usually such a together person. I see a problem, I figure out a solution, I break it into small parts, and I tackle it. I don't know how to solve this. How do I fix this? It is out of my control. I hate this.

I think of myself fifteen months ago when I started this program. I was so sure I would get a job. I had no doubts. I was confident I would be a great teacher. I knew I would be a success. Now, the economy has kicked me in the gut, and I am down. I don't know how to get myself back up.